Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
