my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
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going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
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The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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