The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
