I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
