I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
