I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
