I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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