My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
