How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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