I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
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