Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
