Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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