I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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