so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
