Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
your like the ambassador to my penis.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
