Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
