I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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