he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
