it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
