Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
