I feel like abortions should bother me more
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
