I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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