maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
