ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
