she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Farmville is her only friend.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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