omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
