$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My vagina is officially offended.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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