I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
