i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Randomize
