where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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