cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
