I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You're a disaster
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