You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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