Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
