Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
