Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
