I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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