I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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