I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
