So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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