I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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