i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
