I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
