Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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