Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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