so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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