he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
