he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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