you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
