Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
