My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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