Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
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bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
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I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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