i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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