I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
