Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
