Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
