he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
