my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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