He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
